Hearing Voices June 26, 2013Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Delusions, Hearing Voices.
Tags: Delusions, Hearing Voices
Hearing voices means different things to different people. In my case, it means that a voice inside my head talks to me. It isn’t a woman’s voice or a man’s voice. It has no pitch, but the words are distinct. Although the words are coming from inside my head, the perspective is that of someone standing or sitting next to me or walking alongside me. If I’m alone, the voice makes observations about my surrounding area or my life in general or makes statements about things. If I’m with another person, the voice tries to tell me what to say out loud. It asks me to ask that person questions or asks me to make observation statements to them. That failing, the voice makes observations about my environment.
People are surprised that I still hear the voices, despite the fact that I know they aren’t real. They think I should be able to make them go away simply by telling them they aren’t real. It seems logical that it would work that way, but in fact it doesn’t. In the beginning, I spent a lot of time arguing with the voices, telling them I knew they didn’t exist. But it didn’t do any good. They talked anyway. In fact, I got in arguing matches with them, which probably isn’t a good idea. They outlast me. They always win the argument, and I think their interaction with me to the degree an argument requires simply adds more stress to the situation.
I know that some people think the questions or thoughts from the voices are actually my subconscious, but I disagree. The voice’s questions and statements are not part of my regular thought pattern. It is as if there is another person inside my mind, doing and saying things on their own. There’s someone foreign in my mind with me, and they won’t go away. I can’t integrate their thoughts into my own, because their thoughts are separate from mine. If the voices were truly just a part of my subconscious, they would be able to read my mind. But they can’t. They have no idea what I’m thinking. They’re a separate entity entirely.
I am fortunate that the voices don’t tell me to harm people or myself, and that the comments and questions are innocuous at best and annoying at worst. The scary part is that when the voices return, it’s as if there is someone else in my head- an alien of sorts. I can’t have my mind to myself, and the voices crowd out my own thoughts. I miss being inside my head alone.
When I reduce my stress level, the voices fade into the background and eventually disappear. But when my stress level increases, the voices return. At first they’re just there occasionally, but the more severe the stress, the more of my mind they inhabit. They take over more of my day, crowding out my own thoughts, until the stress dies down. Then they’re gone again for awhile, until the next set of stressors arrives. It’s been this way since I got out of the mental hospital, which was five years ago on the 18th of this month (June 2013).
I know my family is afraid of the voices. Actually they’re afraid that the voices will displace my mind entirely and that the voices won’t let me back into my mind. But I have confidence that my psychiatrist will be able to make them go away if they get too powerful. He did that for me when I was hospitalized, and I trust that he can do it again if he has to. The only thing I have to do to keep them from taking over is to watch my stress, but that’s easier said than done in life. Things happen that I can’t control. And that’s a bad thing because it brings the voices back. But so far, I have been able to return to my mind, alone, after the stress goes down. So far so good.