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Suicide: Opting Out of Hearing Voices March 5, 2010

Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Delusions, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, mental illness, Suicide.
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As my psychosis progressed, I became increasingly more frustrated with the voices in my head. With me from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep, their incessant talking was driving me crazy.  I couldn’t be alone in my head. There was always at least one person- and most times more- with me in my head.  It was like being at a perpetual party where the guests never left.  It was never quiet.  Finally, I decided that I had had enough. They needed to leave.  All of them.  So I started out by politely asking them to go away.  They ignored me.

When that didn’t work, I used the mean route.  I was nasty to them, answering their questions with rude comments or ignoring them.  Fortunately for me, they never had been able to tell what I was thinking. Nevertheless, their incessant chatter wore me down. And, to make matters worse, they began to treat me the same way that I had treated them.

Failing the other attempts,  I begged them to leave.  I pleaded with them.  I told them that if they really cared for me, they would leave me alone.  I tried to reason with them, doing everything that I could think of to get rid of them. Despite my best efforts, they remained.

Then, they started filling my head with nightmare-type thoughts.  Devils, blood, stabbing people, gore- that sort of thing would pop into my head.  I was a little afraid, not knowing whether I was going to act on any of it.  But I knew it was them, and not me, putting those images in my head as punishment. They were trying to control me with fear. It came close to working a few times, but in the end I was not going to let them win.

My choices, as far as I knew, were to live with the voices in my head for the rest of my life, to tell someone about the voices and be locked up in an insane asylum for the rest of my life, or to commit suicide.

As the voices continued to take their toll on me,  the suicide option soon began to look good. Except for its effect on my family, that is. Strangely enough, it didn’t dawn on me how terrible their lives would be without me.  My sole concern was protecting them from the embarrassment of my suicide. I was obsessed with making my suicide look like an accident. Then I came up with the perfect scenario. Hitting a bridge abutment at 60 miles per hour late at night fit the bill nicely. I would, I hoped, die quickly and painlessly, and it would look like an accident so my family would be spared of the pain associated with suicide.   It was like one of those “death with dignity” situations- at least in my mind.

Armed with my new plan, I presented the voices in my head with a choice. Either they leave- forever- or I’d hit the bridge abutment.  One way or the other, they were going to leave.  If they stayed, I would kill myself and they would lose the body they were inhabiting. If they left, they would also lose the body they were inhabiting.  Leave or else.

The first time I threatened them, they left for several days. But then they returned. I threatened again. They left again (for a shorter period of time) and returned. Soon, my threat started to lose its power. In the end, they came to believe that I didn’t really mean it.

I came very close several times. Driving down the road at night, looking for overpasses, I almost turned the wheel many times. It wouldn’t take much. Just a slight adjustment of the steering wheel and the voices would be gone forever. But in the end, I just couldn’t do it.  I chose insanity over death.

NOTE: My suicide- had I committed it- would have appeared as an accident because absolutely nobody knew about the voices and delusions at that point.

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Comments»

1. Jaysea - March 6, 2010

You do a wonderful job at making us sense how things where in that state of mind. Thank you for sharing this ever so personal matter

I have mixed feelings about your bargaining with the voices, trying to negotiate a “cease fire” or again making a pact that jeopardized your life (and theirs as well of course). What if they had been interested in a suicide pact? Hope I don’t offend you with my half humorus, half serious challenge…
Do you really believe your menaces actually shut them up?

2. moodybpgirl - March 8, 2010

Thank you for having the courage to speak about your experiences so candidly. I can relate to fixating on the immediate effects of my suicide rather than what I guess I would call the bigger picture. (In my case, my big concern was making sure none of my loved ones found my body.) I can’t really explain it.

3. akilotsvera - September 16, 2011

Hello mermaid,
I haven’t experienced that sort of thing but I have a relative and a couple of friends who did. And the experience sounded the same.

I live in Asia, where people tend to link hearing voices to psychic ability, not just some sort of mental ailments.

I have heard and read too, that some people who hear things are people who have potential to be mediums, i.e. people with ability to communicate with other realms that coexist with ours:- the spirit worlds.

People with such abilities, without training, initially hear sounds of suffering spirits. Knowing you are able to hear them, they may bug you for help; or being bad themselves, may want to drive you suffering and confusion. Bad ones may even try to drive you to suicide so that you become like one of them.

By improving your skills, you will move on from low frequencies (of suffering spirits) to higher realm where the good spirits are… and eventually to divine realms of angels, (gods or goddesses in other culture) and other beings which are good and holy. Let’s call them higher philosophy.

At that point of time, you will be able to turn on or turn off the voices in your mind, and even to use them to aid you to gain foresights.

How? I am not in authority to tell because I dont have such abilities. But those who do told that spiritual training, chanting of prayers (Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, etc.) will help alleviate your skills.

However, as your skill increase, the distressful voices of the lowly spirits will try to block your advancement. There will be a threshold where you become too powerful for them to bother you.

I think this site, which I found interesting, because it coincides with experiences of my relative and friends, may be interesting to you too. http://www.free-mind-body-spirit.com/hearingvoices.html

If you try to get a master to train you, be careful because there are also many bogus masters and conmen or con-women out there. Authentic ones often are not keen to take students. But I believe reciting prayers in your religion may help you. You dont have to understand the meaning of the prayers/mantra though it’s desirable.

Just sharing…

4. kevin durward - July 7, 2012

You know what, I know exactly how you feel, the effective pains of the invisible illness.
I feel and think the same as you,I have voices in my head, I call them assholes, they hate it, I don’t care, I hate them.
They have told me id be better off escaping by suicide, like you, id rather spare my family the embarrasment and pain. My kids keep me alive too, it helps me beat the voices.
I too have chosen to accept insanity, and I can’t wait till Tuesday cause that’s the day I’ll tell my phsycologist the truth. I haven’t until now cause again,like you,I wanted to avoid the asylum.
I don’t care anymore, its bound to be an improvement on living like this every day.

You take care, remember your not alone.


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