Suicide: Opting Out of Hearing Voices March 5, 2010Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Delusions, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, mental illness, Suicide.
Tags: Delusions, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, Insanity, mental illness, Suicide
As my psychosis progressed, I became increasingly more frustrated with the voices in my head. With me from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep, their incessant talking was driving me crazy. I couldn’t be alone in my head. There was always at least one person- and most times more- with me in my head. It was like being at a perpetual party where the guests never left. It was never quiet. Finally, I decided that I had had enough. They needed to leave. All of them. So I started out by politely asking them to go away. They ignored me.
When that didn’t work, I used the mean route. I was nasty to them, answering their questions with rude comments or ignoring them. Fortunately for me, they never had been able to tell what I was thinking. Nevertheless, their incessant chatter wore me down. And, to make matters worse, they began to treat me the same way that I had treated them.
Failing the other attempts, I begged them to leave. I pleaded with them. I told them that if they really cared for me, they would leave me alone. I tried to reason with them, doing everything that I could think of to get rid of them. Despite my best efforts, they remained.
Then, they started filling my head with nightmare-type thoughts. Devils, blood, stabbing people, gore- that sort of thing would pop into my head. I was a little afraid, not knowing whether I was going to act on any of it. But I knew it was them, and not me, putting those images in my head as punishment. They were trying to control me with fear. It came close to working a few times, but in the end I was not going to let them win.
My choices, as far as I knew, were to live with the voices in my head for the rest of my life, to tell someone about the voices and be locked up in an insane asylum for the rest of my life, or to commit suicide.
As the voices continued to take their toll on me, the suicide option soon began to look good. Except for its effect on my family, that is. Strangely enough, it didn’t dawn on me how terrible their lives would be without me. My sole concern was protecting them from the embarrassment of my suicide. I was obsessed with making my suicide look like an accident. Then I came up with the perfect scenario. Hitting a bridge abutment at 60 miles per hour late at night fit the bill nicely. I would, I hoped, die quickly and painlessly, and it would look like an accident so my family would be spared of the pain associated with suicide. It was like one of those “death with dignity” situations- at least in my mind.
Armed with my new plan, I presented the voices in my head with a choice. Either they leave- forever- or I’d hit the bridge abutment. One way or the other, they were going to leave. If they stayed, I would kill myself and they would lose the body they were inhabiting. If they left, they would also lose the body they were inhabiting. Leave or else.
The first time I threatened them, they left for several days. But then they returned. I threatened again. They left again (for a shorter period of time) and returned. Soon, my threat started to lose its power. In the end, they came to believe that I didn’t really mean it.
I came very close several times. Driving down the road at night, looking for overpasses, I almost turned the wheel many times. It wouldn’t take much. Just a slight adjustment of the steering wheel and the voices would be gone forever. But in the end, I just couldn’t do it. I chose insanity over death.
NOTE: My suicide- had I committed it- would have appeared as an accident because absolutely nobody knew about the voices and delusions at that point.