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The Voices Are GONE! November 22, 2009

Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, mental illness.
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When the voices leave, it feels soooo good.

Part of the relief comes from the very fact that I don’t have to bring in the heavy artillery like a return to the mental hospital or electroshock therapy to show them the exit door. I don’t have to wonder what sort of steps we’re (my psychiatrist and I) going to have to take, beyond my current medication, to make them go away.

I don’t have to revisit that horrible, awful, nasty drug, Haldol to get rid of them. The nastiest drug on the planet in many respects, but at least it works. For me.  I don’t have to put up with the crying jags or suicide thoughts the drug engenders in me in the major doses I need in order to get rid of them. At least for now, Haldol and I are distant enemies.

No wondering whether we can even find a drug or procedure that will get rid of them. No more wondering whether I will have to suffer their existence forever.

When the voices are around, it’s as if there are two of us (or more) inhabiting my mind. There are my own thoughts, and then there are the thoughts of my- for lack of a better word- “guest”, swirling around in the confines of my mind. Like an unwanted visitor, they follow me around and get in my way. I trip over them as I do my various tasks. Answering the phone: there they are, interrupting my conversation with whoever’s on the phone with me. Loading the dishes: there they are in a different capacity, verbalizing and echoing my every thought. Everywhere I turn, they’re sharing the space of my mind with me, crowding me out little by little.  And no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of them.

It doesn’t take long, to even get used to having them around, especially when I spent months with them before I was finally hospitalized. “It’s really not so bad”, I kid myself.

By crowding me out, I mean that they take over more and more of my mind.  Increasingly louder and more prolific, they start acquiring more of the real estate of my mind than Donald Trump on a buying spree. Like a cancer, they leave me less and less of myself as their girth expands.

When they leave, I am thrilled. Like someone finally rid of unwanted guests, I roam around the recesses of my mind, looking for any sign that they haven’t left. I look in the bedroom. The living room. The bathroom. Is there one stitch of clothing left? A perfume bottle? Shampoo? Have they really gone, or are they just hiding from me, hoping I wont’ notice they’re still around?

And once I can confirm they’re really and truly gone, I twirl around my mind like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, thrilled at being alone again, loosened from their grip like a fat woman from a girdle.

I can finally resume my expectation that when I talk to someone, I talk alone. Nobody’s overhearing my conversation, eager to jump in with their own thoughts with virtually no provocation, like a spoiled child interrupting two adults.

Having someone else in my brain is enough to literally drive me crazy. What can you do about having them inside your head, unwilling to leave under any circumstances?  When crying won’t work? When threats won’t work? When even the threat of suicide won’t rob them of their new “home”?

So it’s beyond description the relief I feel when they’re completely and utterly gone. GONE. .

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Comments»

1. Serial Insomniac - November 23, 2009

CM, I am so pleased for you. I know that you were concerned about whether you may have to go back into hospital amongst other things. Knowing they’re gone must be an immense relief. I’m very pleased 🙂

2. kayakchick - November 24, 2009

Once again, your writing is superb. I feel as though I can understand what it might be like to experience this. Beautiful piece of writing! I can’t wait to read your book.


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