A Journey Into Madness… February 1, 2012
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Insanity, mental illness.Tags: Insanity, mental illness
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A journey into madness begins with the first step. It isn’t a case where you wake up one morning and say to yourself “Oh no! I’ve lost my mind!” Rather, it’s more like someone who gains say 25 pounds over the course of one year. It’s a very gradual thing. One pound. Then a leveling off for a few weeks. Then another pound. Then a pound two weeks after that. And so on.
The same with mental illness. One small step towards madness the first day. Maybe you think you can communicate with one person via ESP. And then a leveling off for a little while, as that small step (communicating with one person via ESP) becomes the new “normal”. Then a few days later, another person is added to the ESP repertoire. Day after day, another person or two is added to the number of people you communicate with via ESP. Then you start seeing green people. Then zombies. Day after day these small steps play out little by little. Step upon step, all becoming the next “normal”. It’s not like a heart attack where you wake up and your world changed overnight. It’s more like Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s or some other relatively slow-moving disease where your world changes slowly but surely.
But I won’t kid you here. The progression of my illness wasn’t in years. It was in months. I went from being a relatively sane 49 year old professional woman (with no history of mental illness or drug or alcohol use) the first week in February 2008 to involuntary committment to a mental hospital with a full-blown case of Bipolar I with psychotic tendencies at the very end of May 2008. Almost four months from start to finish.
That would seem relatively quickly to some, but again think of weight gain. You don’t feel every single pound of weight gain on a day to day basis. You don’t feel every single daily aspect of the loss of memory that’s the hallmark of Alzheimer’s. One little change at a time, piled upon the other little changes. And so it goes for insanity.
Halloween and Mental Illness October 19, 2011
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Insanity, mental illness, Psychotic.Tags: Insanity, mental illness
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Halloween’s coming around, and with it comes the worn-out old stories about the mentally ill. The slasher movies and the guts and gore of the horror-filled inspirational costumes- all coming to a theater near you.
Norman Bates in Psycho, a 1960 horror movie, was inspired by Wisconsin serial killer Ed Gein. The insane Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a 1974 horror movie, and Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs were both inspired by the same serial killer, a man whose “guilty but insane” conviction landed him in a mental hospital. In The Shining, Jack Nicholson gave a good impersonation of a psychotic man. Dr. Jekyl was clearly insane when he became Mr. Hyde in the 1931 classic Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Then there’s the classic: Halloween, about a young insane murderer who escapes from his Sanitarium (mental hospital) after being locked up for 15 years- ever since he was 6. Over and over the mentally ill are exploited for the benefit of the media. In fact, out of the top 50 best horror movies of all time, over half involve mental illness. Mental illness is, after all, scary.
Unfortunately for those of us who are mentally ill, the media makes no distinction between delusional people in the middle of a psychotic episode, insane murderers, schizophrenics, and what I like to call garden-variety mentally ill people (bipolar, depressed, OCD, etc). We’re all, in their collective minds, the same as Ed Gein, the Wisconsin serial killer who inspired both Psycho and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There’s nothing scarier, after all, than a mentally ill person. Especially a psychotic one. It’s no wonder that nobody wants to be identified as mentally ill. Who, after all, wants to be Ed Gein?
Eastern State Hospital (WA) and Photovoice August 18, 2010
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Involuntary Committment, Mental Hospital, mental illness.Tags: Insanity, Mental Hospitals, mental illness
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At a recent NAMI Conference I attended this past weekend, I had the privilege of listening to Dr. Jeff Ramirez and Ms. Elaine Alberti discuss the culture of Eastern State Hospital (http://www.dshs.wa.gov/mhsystems/esh.shtml). Housing involuntarily committed civilly committed patients as well as patients who have been acquitted of committing crimes due to the fact that they were found Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity, the hospital is located in Medicine Lake, a rather isolated part of the State.
Dr. Ramirez and Ms. Alberti brought with them a wonderful Photovoice display, which showcased the work of some of the patients. Bringing the voice of hospitalized patients to the outside world, the powerpoint was a very powerful demonstration of the sometimes-forgotten humanity behind the various incarcerated individuals housed at that facility.
In an experiment designed and conducted by a clinical nurse specialist, a group of patients had the opportunity to participate in photo sessions in which they took pictures every other week. Photos were taken in and around the hospital grounds. Patients were not allowed to leave the grounds in order to take photos.
Taking four photos at each session, those photos were developed for the patients. Then, during group sessions, the photos were handed out to each patient. Patients put meaning and interpretations to their photos, sharing those meanings and interpretations with the group.
The clinical nurse specialist in charge of the program assisted the group in categorizing the narratives into four overarching themes: finding meaning, expressing anger, fighting stigma, and finding hope. Each of the photos were identified as belonging to one of those four groups. The resulting collage of photos were combined and set to music, and the end product was shown to the staff as well as others. Giving voice to the patients, it presented itself as a strategy to help reduce seclusion and restraints. Delivering a powerful message to all who saw the presentation, it resulted in a 96% reduction in restraint use.
Unfortunately, one of the unintended consequences of the escape of Philip Paul, the Eastern State mental patient, included the dissolution of this program. For about 4 months after Philip Paul’s escape, patients were in total and complete lock-down, unable to even get to their treatment mall to receive their medication much less take photographs even inside the hospital grounds.
For those unfamiliar with his story, Philip Paul was incarcerated at Eastern State Hospital in eastern Washington for the death of Ruth Motteley, a woman whom Paul thought was a witch. He said that voices in his head told him to kill her, and he obeyed them. Diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, he was found not guilty by reason of insanity and taken to Eastern State Hospital, where he has been held on and off since April 1987, escaping from a field trip to a fair on September 17, 2009. The history of his incarceration can be found in a September 21, 2009 article in the Spokane Review (http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/sep/21/key-developments-pauls-legal-history/).
It’s unfortunate that a program with the success rate of this one has been cast aside because of the behavior of a few.
Which Medical Condition Is the Worst? July 15, 2010
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Hearing Voices, Insanity, mental illness, Psychotic, Schizophrenia.Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Hearing Voices, Insanity, mental illness, Psychotic, Schizophrenia
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If you had to guess which medical condition was the worst, which one would you pick?
Most people’s thoughts would go immediately to the most widely publicized, the disease advertised as the most painful and deadliest of all diseases: cancer. With pancreatic cancer, the victim suffers prolonged agony, relieved only by colossal injections of pain medication, until finally he expires, leaving his cancer-ridden body once and for all. The worst possible disease, some would say.
Many would choose Alzheimer’s disease as the worst disease. Your mind slowly loses memory, forgetting things and people and places. Eventually, your heart “forgets” to beat, and you pass on, leaving a wake of pain and suffering by your loved ones. Because you generally become less aware of your surroundings as time goes by, and because the deterioration happens over years or even decades, the pain and suffering are felt more by your family and friends than you.
Some would say that Lou Gherig’s Disease, also known as ALS, is the worst. Like Alzheimer’s, your body slowly forgets to function, but unlike Alzheimer’s, your mind works perfectly. The result is a little like waking up in the middle of a surgery, and being unable to communicate to the staff that you are awake. Your body is paralyzed, but your brain is wide awake. Thankfully (or not), death is generally relatively quickly.
Others would say that a stroke is the worst, for reasons similar to ALS. Your mind is generally awake, but your body is unable to communicate that awareness to the world at large. Thinking that your brain has turned to mush because you undergo the humility of wearing diapers and eating baby food, your family may treat you like you’re a piece of furniture, or as if you’re an infant. Unable to communicate your complete awareness to them, you suffer for years or even decades in silence.
As the worst possible disease, mental illness isn’t even on most people’s radar. But consider, for a moment, the facts.
One of the problems is that unlike cancer, mental illness has a lousy public relations campaign. It doesn’t have a public personality attached to it- at least nobody positive. There’s no Lou Gherig or Lance Armstrong or Stephen Hawking to bring a sense of empathy to the masses. Unlike breast cancer, hundreds of millions of dollars aren’t spent on events to publicize mental illness- events like the Susan G. Komen Walk for the Cure – where the color pink has come to symbolize breast cancer in everything from headbands to hand mixers. Unlike Lance Armstrong’s Livestrong cancer campaign, where yellow bracelets signify triumph over cancer, there is no public campaign for the little plastic bracelet color for mental illness awareness (silver). In fact, because of its enormous stigma, you would be hard-pressed to find many victims and family members willing to take the spotlight for mental illness.
Everyone recognizes that the term “cancer” is a blanket term for a multitude of illnesses all sharing the same basic characteristic: improper cell division. Unlike cancer, the general public doesn’t perceive mental illness as a blanket name for illnesses caused by improper brain chemistry. Both are breakdowns of normal bodily functions, yet cancer doesn’t have the reputation of being a character flaw or a sign of moral bankruptcy that mental illness does.
Patients with cancer are not embarrassed to tell their friends and family their diagnosis. They aren’t afraid of being thought less of as a person for that diagnosis, that somehow they fell short. But with mental illness, the stigma is so great that the fear of rejection and isolation is a legitimate concern. You just don’t tell anyone.
Because their loved one’s illness isn’t associated with moral bankruptcy and character flaws, friends and relatives of cancer victims don’t have the same incentives to keep anyone from knowing their loved one has cancer. Protecting themselves from the unspoken charge of moral bankruptcy by association isn’t a top concern of the families of cancer patients.
Other diseases, like cancer or ALS or a stroke, don’t cause its victims to commit heinous crimes. You don’t see a breast cancer victim as the lead-in story on the nightly news because she murdered a bunch of school children. You don’t hear about a stroke victim trying to assassinate the President. A lung cancer victim doesn’t jump off a bridge to get away from the voices in his head. And yet the connection between these types of actions and mental illness, if the news media even bothers to make one, is voyeuristic rather than sympathetic.
People with cancer or ALS or all of the other diseases are aware that they are ill and need treatment for that illness. In many mental illness cases, this is not true. The mentally ill patient, in many cases, has no insight into the fact that he is mentally ill and need treatment.
No legitimate insurance company would dare decline to authorize or pay for mainstream treatment of a cancer victim, but most insurance companies have little or no such coverage for mainstream treatment of mental illness, reasoning that it isn’t, after all, a real physical illness. If they do cover it, it’s under a separate policy from “physical” health, called “Behavioral Mental Health”, and the payment for treatment and disability from the disease is very limited. We don’t see major insurance companies splitting off cancer from a list of diseases, calling it “Cell Divisional Health”, severely restricting its access, and farming out its administration to an entirely separate company.
When it comes time for hospitalization, there isn’t a question of whether a cancer victim or stroke victim even needs to go to a hospital. If they’re seriously ill, a cancer patient doesn’t have to be at death’s door before he’s admitted to the hospital. But a mentally ill victim has to either be about to hurt or kill himself or others (as determined by a third party) or needs to have tried (and failed) to kill himself before a mental hospital will consider admitting him.
If they’re hemorrhaging, but not near death, a cancer patient isn’t turned away for lack of space. Cancer patients don’t have to wait until there’s room for them at a hospital. Unlike hospital space for the mentally ill, hospital space for cancer victims hasn’t decreased over the past 20 years.
Alzheimer’s patients aren’t routinely discharged from hospitals onto the streets, left to fend for themselves. Cancer patients aren’t routinely discharged before they are stabilized. And yet the mentally ill are routinely discharged out onto the streets while they are still unwell all of the time. Who do you think the homeless people are?
The cancer patient doesn’t have to give up his civil rights in order to be treated. He can leave the hospital whenever he wants to. But in order for a mentally ill patient to be treated, he has to give up his civil rights. Mental patients are locked in, physically unable to leave the hospital until someone else- the attending psychiatrist- says they can go- however long that takes.
Once in a hospital, a cancer patient has the option to discontinue medication at any time. Again, a cancer patient doesn’t have to give up his civil rights in order to be treated. Mentally ill patients, on the other hand, must leave their civil rights at the door when they enter a mental hospital. Whether they want to or not, they are forced to continue medication while they are hospitalized. That is the treatment.
Comparing the physical pain of the cancer or the effects of cancer treatment with the effects of mental illness is in some ways like comparing apples to oranges. Whereas the cancer victim fights for her life, the severely depressed victim fights to kill herself. Is the physical pain of cancer worse than the emotional pain of continually hearing voices in your head nonstop? Is radiation sickness worse than lithium side effects? Is prostate cancer preferable to schizophrenia?
I’m not trying in any way to minimize the pain and suffering that these diseases engender. My point is that each of these diseases -all of them- including mental illness-engenders tremendous pain and suffering. None of them- including mental illness- is any less severe than any other.
For too long, mental illness has been a quiet disease. Quietly terrible, but still quiet. This is a disease- or a family of diseases- on par with cancer and ALS and strokes, and yet there is a huge vacuum out there. Nobody even thinks about mental illness as a true physical disease. It’s not even on the radar. This needs to change. We need to raise people’s consciousness about mental illness, and give it the parity it deserves. We’ll know we’ve done our job when “mental illness” takes its rightful place on the list of Terrible Diseases in the public consciousness.
Mental Illness and The Law: How We Got Where We Are June 29, 2010
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in History, Insanity, Involuntary Committment, Mental Hospital, mental illness, Mental Illness and Medication, Psychotic.Tags: Delusions, Insanity, Involuntary Committment, Mental Hospitals, mental illness, Mental Illness and Murder, Psychotic
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If you want to change things, first you need to understand how they got the way they are. In the case of mental illness law, politicians and lawyers had the best of intentions, but as with other ventures, the devil was in the details. The unintended consequences of their actions continue to remain the source of frustration and even danger.
In his 1946 article “Bedlam 1946: Most Mental Hospitals Are A Shame and A Disgrace” http://www.mnddc.org/parallels2/prologue/6a-bedlam/bedlam-life1946.pdf in Life Magazine, Albert Maisel made the case that mental hospitals were terrible institutions. The final paragraph of his article summarized his point succinctly: “Given the facts…the people of any state will rally… to put an end to concentration camps that masquerade as ( mental) hospitals and to make cure rather than incarceration the goal of their mental institutions.”
While the sentiment is perfectly understandable given the horrific conditions he found when he investigated the state of mental hospitals throughout the United States shortly after the close of World War Two, he threw out the baby with the bath water when he declared, in effect, that nobody should have to be institutionalized. The wildly popular Life Magazine gave Maisel a platform from which to launch his idea of closing all mental hospitals, also called deinstitutionalizing the mentally ill.
Helping this idea along was the development of the first generation of antipsychotic drugs in the 1950’s. Used to treat schizophrenia and other psychoses as well as acute mania, agitation and other conditions, their discovery allowed many mentally ill people once hospitalized to return to their families, hopefully with their illness under control and able to function as productive members of society in many cases. In many cases this was true, but not in all.
The advent of these new antipsychotics lent fuel to the fire of the deinstitutionalization movement, and, combined with the publicity of the atrocities perpetuated in the mental hospitals, served to throw the doors to the mental institutions wide open in the mid-1950’s.
From the mid-1950’s to the mid-1960’s, a small percentage of the eventually deinstitutionalized were released. But from that point forward, the trickle became a flood, culminating in the release of the majority of the mentally ill by the mid-1980’s. And as the mentally ill were released from the hospitals, rather than wait to see whether whether the experiment was going to work, those hospitals were closed down forever, shrinking from a high of around 550,000 beds in the mid-1950’s to around 40,000 today. As this experiment failed,the homeless and prison populations of every major city and State ballooned.
In the meantime, California was the first state to pass the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act in 1967, giving the mentally ill the legal right to avoid treatment for their mental illness, regardless of how damaging that mental illness became. Unless the person was in imminent (immediate) danger of severely harming or killing themselves or someone else, they had the right to be left alone, free to wander the streets, homeless and victimized, eating out of dumpsters, lost in their own world. Other States followed their example, with the former Governor of California, Ronald Reagan, leading the charge on a national level as he ascended the highest office in the land, the Presidency.
The mistakes the do-gooders made in this two-pronged approach of first deinstitutionalizing and then arming the mentally ill with the right to refuse treatment were twofold. Their first mistake was in perceiving all hospitalization to be bad hospitalization. Secondly they assumed that anyone who has a mental illness has the presence of mind to know when to seek treatment for that illness.
Treating mental illness like any other illness, disregarding the fact that one of the symptoms of the illness can be a failure to realize they are ill, and denigrating all mental hospitals as evil are poor choices for which we have all paid dearly, in the form of the fallout from our endless supply of suicides, the incarcerated mentally ill population, the homeless population, and mentally ill people who attack and assault others.
Until we realize that mental hospitals can also be used for good, and that mentally ill people can’t always help themselves, nothing will change.
(Note: Part of my research for this article was done with the help of Dr. E. Fuller Torrey’s book The Insanity Offense. (2008).
Anosognosia Symptom: Lack of Insight into Mental Illness June 22, 2010
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Bipolar Disorder, Involuntary Committment, mental illness, Schizophrenia.Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Insanity, Involuntary Committment, mental illness, Schizophrenia
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It’s a crying shame that I had never even heard of the term ansognosia until I read Dr. E. Fuller Torrey’s latest book, The Insanity Offense (2008), since it’s such an integral part of understanding how the symptoms of mental illness interfere with a person’s ability to get help.
The term anosognosia is derived from the Greek words “nosos” which means disease and the word “gnosis” which means knowledge. The “an” prefix notates the negative. A person who suffers from anosognosia is unaware of the existence of their mental illness.
This lack of insight into their illness, associated with damage to the right hemisphere of the cerebral cortex or the frontal lobe, is a problem of major proportions because it’s the main reason why people with certain mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder refuse to take their medications. They aren’t trying to be a pain in the ass: they truly believe that they’re not ill. And if they’re not ill, there’s no reason to take medication. Period. End of Story.
If a patient can be made to take their medication, a large percentage of them will improve their awareness of their mental illness and thus continue taking their medication on their own. But under the current laws, forcing a patient to take necessary medication is illegal, in a large part because the law refuses to take into account anosognosia in making decisions regarding who should be forced to take medication and who should not.
It’s not easy to convey to the average person what it means to be unaware that you have an illness. How can someone who is sick not know it, especially when their symptoms are so obvious to others? Because it’s not like any other illness. It’s the brain, rather than other parts of the body, that is the problem.
In the case of the paranoid schizophrenic, there is another layer of difficulty to add to the equation. The paranoid schizophrenic lives in a world where the universe is out to get him. So he views any attempt to get him help as simply another attempt at persecution. He distrusts anyone who tries to get him help. It’s a magnification of anosognosia.
Unfortunately, treatment of a patient whose symptoms include anosognosia is impossible, since treatment for an illness requires admission that there is in fact an illness and cooperation by the patient in treatment of that illness. The law of the land is written around the concept that a person is capable of deciding whether or not he is ill, and therefore whether or not treatment for that illness is appropriate. The law, in other words, has never heard of the symptom called anosognosia, which makes it impossible for the patient to believe that he is mentally ill, and therefore makes it impossible for him to believe that he needs treatment. The result of this failure of the law to consider this singular symptom is that the patient goes about his business believing that he is not ill, living in his own world. How is this a problem?
Instead of being able to treat those people whose symptoms include anosognosia, families of people with mental illness live in fear of their loved ones, aware they’re living with a ticking time bomb. They know it’s only a matter of time before their loved one hurts or kills someone, but they’re unable to prevent the atrocity from happening because the law ties their hands.
Prisons are full of people with anosognosia who commit crimes- sometimes horrendous crimes. Had they been forced to seek treatment for their mental illness, they might have lived full and productive lives. Instead, they fill our prisons, unmedicated, costing taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars a year. Or they murder police officers or random people before being apprehended and found to be not guilty by reason of insanity, then locked up in mental hospitals.
The streets of every major city in the United States are full of people with anosognosia who refuse to believe they have a mental illness. Instead of being forced to get treatment, they wander the streets, victims of crime, living off the streets, eating out of dumpsters, and living a horrible life simply because they cannot believe they are in need of medical help.
We have to change our laws, taking into consideration this terrible symptom. We have to make it easier to involuntarily commit those with this symptom, thus improving the quality of life of those with anosognosia and making the world a much safer place for all of us.
(Note: Research for this article was done with the help of articles by the following: Dr. Kevin Thompson, PhD http://www.mentalmeds.org/articles/anosognosia.html ; Treatment Advocacy Center http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=27&Itemid=56; Pages 112 and 113 of Dr. E. Fuller Torrey’s new book, The Insanity Offense (2008) among other sources)
Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity May 21, 2010
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Delusions, Hallucinations, Mental Hospital, mental illness.Tags: Delusions, Insanity, Mental Hospitals, mental illness, Psychotic
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Wednesday’s Everett Herald featured an article about a young man who was acquitted of a first degree murder charge. Chad Patterson, accused of breaking into the man’s home Sept. 10 and repeatedly trying to stab him with an 8-inch kitchen knife, was acquitted of the charges by Superior Court Judge Ronald Castleberry on Tuesday. Verdict: Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity.
According to the article, three doctors concluded that at the time of the attack Patterson couldn’t understand that what he was doing was wrong. The Judge ruled that there was enough evidence to support the defense’s position that Patterson was not guilty of the crime because he was legally insane at the time of the attack. Instead of jail time for a murder conviction, Patterson will be locked up indefinitely at Western State Hospital, receiving treatment for a mental illness.
I can already hear the complaints from the general public about this. They’ll say the guy scammed the system. That he got off scot-free. But let’s examine the facts of the case.
In what was said to be his first ever psychotic break with reality, Patterson was out walking his dog when he saw his neighbor watching him, preparing to attack him (so he thought). Deciding he needed to “take care of” the neighbor, Patterson threw himself through a window to get into the neighbor’s house. Fighting off the teen, the neighbor pushed him outside, only to have Patterson return a second time. He pushed Patterson out a second time, and Snohomish County sheriff’s deputies arrived as Patterson, bloodied and cut, was trying to get inside the man’s home a third time.
During the attack, Patterson said that God told him that the man needed to die. After he was arrested he told deputies that he was their god and demanded to be released from his handcuffs. But that’s not all.
Patterson was convinced someone had implanted a camera into his eye and a microphone into his ear, both likely symptoms of undiagnosed schizophrenia according to expert testimony. At the time of his attack on his neighbor, Patterson hadn’t been diagnosed with a mental illness and wasn’t under the care of a mental health doctor, despite the fact that his mother had been trying to get help for her son. She was told that until he hurt himself or someone else there wasn’t anything that anyone could do about the situation.
According to Patterson’s defense lawyer, the insanity defense is rarely pursued because it is almost impossible to meet the threshold needed to prove someone is legally insane at the time of the alleged offense. Adding to this, according to the public defender, is the fact that many offenders refuse to publicly acknowledge they’re living with a mental illness. They’d rather go to jail than be diagnosed with a mental illness.
Those who think the insanity defense is a cake walk have another think coming. In fact, according to Frontline’s A Crime of Insanity, insanity defense acquittees frequently spend twice as much time institutionalized as defendants convicted of a similar offense spend in correctional facilities. And let us not forget what a mental hospital is really like. Locked doors, razor wire topped barbed wire fences all around the compound, structured days, institutional food. Just like a jail, except for one added bonus feature you won’t find at a real jail. In the mental hospital, you’re pumped full of drugs that try to bring your brain as close to “normal” as possible.
So contrary to what the general public thinks, those inhabiting mental hospitals rather than prisons don’t necessarily have it better.
Facts of case excerpted from: http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20100519/NEWS01/705199838
Frontline’s A Crime of Insanity: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/crime/trial/faqs.html#gbmi),
Mental Illness and A Sense of “Self” May 3, 2010
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Delusions, Hallucinations, Medication, mental illness, Mental Illness and Medication.Tags: Delusions, Hallucinations, Insanity, mental illness
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One of my favorite bloggers is Neurophilosophy. (Well) written by a neurobiologist who keeps abreast of findings in the neurobiology world, he manages to distill these findings down into an understandable format for those of us who are non-scientists.
In his December 2008 blog The Body Swap Illusion, the Neurophilosophy blogger delves into the physical and psychological boundaries between “self” and the various appendages of “self” (including hands and various other body parts), taking his data from experiments cited in the blog. The experiments, conducted primarily using the sensory inputs of sight and touch, were focused solely on the quantifiable scientific sense of “self”.
My first mental-illness related experience with the sense of “self” was the expansion of self that I experienced during the tail end of my manic phase (right before my hospitalization). As my connection with God expanded and as my understanding of all things in the Universe expanded, so did my sense of “self”. Eventually, right before I was hospitalized, my sense of self expanded way beyond my physical body.
After I became hospitalized, they administered a large amount of medication in an attempt to snap me out of my psychosis as soon as possible. As the medications began to take effect, my sense of self contracted from way beyond my physical body to containment inside my physical body, which is what we call “normal”.
As the medication built up in my body, my sense of “self” went from grandiose all-encompassing to a return back inside the normal confines of my physical body. But then I reached the tipping point, crossing over the threshold. My “self” moved from inside the normal confines of my physical body to completely outside my body, about a foot above my head at a 45 degree angle. From this perch, I watched everything happen to me as if I were watching a movie. I wasn’t connected to the reality of my existence at all.
As I related that out-of-body symptom to my psychiatrist, he knew exactly what I was talking about. Attributing it to the lithium, he then proceeded to adjust the dose of lithium to the point where I no longer experienced this “out-of-body” feeling.
Both of these situations involve the location of “self”. So where exactly is “self”? Or more precisely, what is the proper location of “self”? And who decides?
Those without the ” proper” location of “self” are deemed mentally ill in our world today. In my case, at first I had an expanded sense of “self”, encompassing the entire universe and God. Because society deems that location of “self” is dangerous and wrong, that situation must be managed. The management of this condition involves medically shrinking the “self” back into the confines of the physical body. But too much medication forces the “self” completely out of the body. At that point, the medication must be adjusted to bring the “self” back into the body.
So it’s a fine line between having enough medication to prevent the expansion of self beyond the physical limits of our bodies and having too much medication which moves the self completely outside the physical limits of our bodies. It’s interesting that both conditions were engendered by a chemical reaction in my brain.
Mental Illness and Burger King’s Offensive Ad April 22, 2010
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Uncategorized.Tags: Insanity, Involuntary Committment, Mental Hospitals, mental illness
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In the year 2010, we’re now using mental illness to sell merchandise in the mainstream, mega-bucks fast food industry. The latest ad by Burger King is the most offensive I’ve ever seen regarding its portrayal of people with mental illness. Although this same company wouldn’t be caught dead denigrating other minority populations, it’s apparently open season on the mentally ill.
Admittedly, the King, of Burger King fame, has always been off the wall in his approach to everything. But this time he’s out-done himself. The beginning of the offending ad has him crashing through an office window, shattering glass and being chased by two people in white uniforms who eventually tackle and restrain him (a la straight jacket) as they shout “The King’s insane!”. It’s clear that he’s being involuntarily committed to a mental hospital. Right before he’s completely immobilized, he manages to hand a hamburger to an office worker, who then says to the two in white, “You’re the ones who are nuts.”
When I first saw this ad, I was in shock. The ad went by fairly quickly, so I took a deep breath, convincing myself that I must have misunderstood it. I let it go, until the next time I saw the ad. Then I realized: I hadn’t imagined it. The King was being involuntarily committed to a mental hospital. And the situation was being played as a pitch to sell more hamburgers! Unbelievable!
Mortified, I expected that somehow someone somewhere, either a whole bunch of private citizens or a national group of some sort, would contact Burger King and convince them to pull the socially unacceptable ad, much like they’d pull an ad were it offensive to any other minority population.
And so I wasn’t surprised to hear that both National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Mental Health America, two excellent consortium groups, tried to reason with Burger King, explaining why the ad was offensive and requesting that Burger King pull that ad. Response?
According to the Washington Post , Burger King released the following statement: “The creative concepts used to bring this to life were meant to highlight the king’s unchecked enthusiasm about giving his guests a Steakhouse-quality sandwich at a great price and were not intended to reflect any group or situation.”
Yeah, right.
You can read the entire article (and view the ad) at. http://www.myfoxny.com/dpps/news/dpgoh-burger-king-commerical-insane-or-offensive-fc-20100409_6989888
Suicide: Opting Out of Hearing Voices March 5, 2010
Posted by Crazy Mermaid in Delusions, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, mental illness, Suicide.Tags: Delusions, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, Insanity, mental illness, Suicide
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As my psychosis progressed, I became increasingly more frustrated with the voices in my head. With me from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep, their incessant talking was driving me crazy. I couldn’t be alone in my head. There was always at least one person- and most times more- with me in my head. It was like being at a perpetual party where the guests never left. It was never quiet. Finally, I decided that I had had enough. They needed to leave. All of them. So I started out by politely asking them to go away. They ignored me.
When that didn’t work, I used the mean route. I was nasty to them, answering their questions with rude comments or ignoring them. Fortunately for me, they never had been able to tell what I was thinking. Nevertheless, their incessant chatter wore me down. And, to make matters worse, they began to treat me the same way that I had treated them.
Failing the other attempts, I begged them to leave. I pleaded with them. I told them that if they really cared for me, they would leave me alone. I tried to reason with them, doing everything that I could think of to get rid of them. Despite my best efforts, they remained.
Then, they started filling my head with nightmare-type thoughts. Devils, blood, stabbing people, gore- that sort of thing would pop into my head. I was a little afraid, not knowing whether I was going to act on any of it. But I knew it was them, and not me, putting those images in my head as punishment. They were trying to control me with fear. It came close to working a few times, but in the end I was not going to let them win.
My choices, as far as I knew, were to live with the voices in my head for the rest of my life, to tell someone about the voices and be locked up in an insane asylum for the rest of my life, or to commit suicide.
As the voices continued to take their toll on me, the suicide option soon began to look good. Except for its effect on my family, that is. Strangely enough, it didn’t dawn on me how terrible their lives would be without me. My sole concern was protecting them from the embarrassment of my suicide. I was obsessed with making my suicide look like an accident. Then I came up with the perfect scenario. Hitting a bridge abutment at 60 miles per hour late at night fit the bill nicely. I would, I hoped, die quickly and painlessly, and it would look like an accident so my family would be spared of the pain associated with suicide. It was like one of those “death with dignity” situations- at least in my mind.
Armed with my new plan, I presented the voices in my head with a choice. Either they leave- forever- or I’d hit the bridge abutment. One way or the other, they were going to leave. If they stayed, I would kill myself and they would lose the body they were inhabiting. If they left, they would also lose the body they were inhabiting. Leave or else.
The first time I threatened them, they left for several days. But then they returned. I threatened again. They left again (for a shorter period of time) and returned. Soon, my threat started to lose its power. In the end, they came to believe that I didn’t really mean it.
I came very close several times. Driving down the road at night, looking for overpasses, I almost turned the wheel many times. It wouldn’t take much. Just a slight adjustment of the steering wheel and the voices would be gone forever. But in the end, I just couldn’t do it. I chose insanity over death.
NOTE: My suicide- had I committed it- would have appeared as an accident because absolutely nobody knew about the voices and delusions at that point.
